Who am i!

there are portions of myself that i never wanted and never asked for
i grew up in a household of Chinese immigrants with burgeoning expectations of how a female should behave.
I can't sit like that, don't eat like that, laugh too loud, i'm too much
I've always been too much
fuck that
now that i'm a parent i hope to not fuck up my kid with hopeful expectations
she shouldn't be anything i want her to be. I can hope but i cant put my shit on her
I have so much shit how do i even dodge that shit
I have her now and i love her so much but sometimes i just want to snort mountains of coke and trip on acid for three fucking days
god i miss that
my blood ran deep the other way
who am i now if not self destructive?
Now that i can't implode what do i do?
im fucking responsible now
what the fuck does that even mean
this is the first time in a long time i don't have some sort of substance in my blood
how do i stay stable?
all my life i've been told what to do and how to do it and i rebelled so much
stayed out too long, smoked too much, pumped everything into my body
now i've stopped

I've just stopped
My propensity for extremes will fucking kill me one day.