o boy

So I'm in a house with two other families and i am also a family
It makes me feel weird being surrounded by this, I'm a mom and i should act accordingly?
what does that even mean
It's so crazy here with four other kids
I kind of hate it

Who am i!

there are portions of myself that i never wanted and never asked for
i grew up in a household of Chinese immigrants with burgeoning expectations of how a female should behave.
I can't sit like that, don't eat like that, laugh too loud, i'm too much
I've always been too much
fuck that
now that i'm a parent i hope to not fuck up my kid with hopeful expectations
she shouldn't be anything i want her to be. I can hope but i cant put my shit on her
I have so much shit how do i even dodge that shit
I have her now and i love her so much but sometimes i just want to snort mountains of coke and trip on acid for three fucking days
god i miss that
my blood ran deep the other way
who am i now if not self destructive?
Now that i can't implode what do i do?
im fucking responsible now
what the fuck does that even mean
this is the first time in a long time i don't have some sort of substance in my blood
how do i stay stable?
all my life i've been told what to do and how to do it and i rebelled so much
stayed out too long, smoked too much, pumped everything into my body
now i've stopped

I've just stopped
My propensity for extremes will fucking kill me one day.

Now what?

I seem to post in this blog once every lifetime.
I'm married now, I have two children: a little baby girl and a little girl mutt dog.
My life is so complicated now but not
In terms of the checklists that society demands of us i pretty much have all the things
so this is what that feels
i remember being little and wondering what my life was going to look like
would i ever find a partner? would i ever get married? why would i?
who was this partner? would i ever have children?
His name is will and yes i have child.
it's a void that i fell into and i don't feel accomplished by it by any means
it's most certainly not the checklists
it's more of experiences, yet another lifetime among a million lifetimes accumulated to be who i am? maybe not that sounds like bullshit

so i have a kid
i married the love of my life
i have the dog
i have the goddamn washer and dryer
but not really, technically we're homeless
it's less complicated that way.