Malaria Dreams

I have been taken malaria medication for my trip to Ghana.
It is once a week and the side effects are psychological.
I was warned one of the side effects are vivid, realistic dreams.
Yesterday I had a dream about this man trying stop my life
Not really trying to kill me more like he wanted to make me scared for the rest of my life
I woke up and wanted to crawl into bed with someone and feel safe again
I fell asleep again and dreamed about going to sleep next to someone and I woke up again confused
I thought for sure there was someone next to me but there wasn't
So I fell asleep again and dreamed about being alone in a room wondering where I was
Then I woke up and went about my day.
That feeling never left though, wondering where I was.
I still wonder where I am, tonight, tomorrow, yesterday
I wonder if this life I am leading will end up the way I hope it will end up
and I wonder where I hope I will end up.

reflecting back to when i was 10 or whatever. i remember thinking how old 26 was. 26 is like an adult. i thought by the time i was 26 i would be married maybe with a kid on the way and with a great job ordering people around. so i am clearly not with a job, nor with child, nor with marriage. so in retrospect i struck out 3 times. so the question is what would i have thought of myself now when i was 10?

so here I go

I am going to Ghana for 5 weeks on July 17th to work at a hospital as a nurse.
When I say this it sounds great. It sounds philanthropic and adventurous.
Although my intentions are sincere my guilt has kicked me into admitting that going is fueled mainly by selfish reasons
I am 27, single, and a woman... single and 27
single
I need to know there is more to this life than hoping another person will fill it.

So in around 3 weeks I am supposed to go to Ghana.
I decided impulsively
One night I was sitting in my house wondering where my life is supposed to go and what I would do after I graduated.
I had this master plan.
I would go to nursing school and graduate then move away somewhere to start my life.
To see what I am supposed to do with myself
To be an adult. *gasp*

So I am going to Ghana.
I am going to work at a hospital as a nurse

ode to my old job

these boys never look normal.
they look angery
they have become institutionalized even before they walk onto the door
i saw their acceptance letter and it just does not make sense.
it should not be congratulations
rather a welcome to dependence and structured life
something a boy should hope to obtain never needing to
but these boys need it
they need it like a life line
but the more structure that is instilled the less these boys want it
they wriggle
i do not know all of their stories but they all end here
"academy" they call it
these boys need it
for the parents that just could not anymore or the parents that did not anymore
we tell them to turn out their pockets
the metal detector wand waves over their adolescent bodies
they give us their shoes to inspect for contraband and they just throw them to us because it is just another body search like everyday
they get used to mistrust
but you give what you get and they have led a life of mistrust
poor boys i say
at least 2 times every time i am there
and i grimace every time one of them calls me a name
i wish they knew
i wish they knew every time they did something like that the court will hear about it
and we remind them
but they are only boys
and boys only remember for so long.

Self Realizations

my hands shook that day because i needed to take a simple math test. it was on conversions. simple metric system stuff. but my hands shook. because i had just hit strike one. this was potentially my strike two and i do not do well with strikes. so the rule is this. i am in nursing school and a requirement is to pass a math test, if not you are kicked out and unable to reapply. SO. i was on strike one out of three strikes i think.
i sat in front of that test and was disturbed how aloof i was. my laziness always consumes me.
so i focused.
the night before i thought about what my life would be if i worked this hard just to be kicked out of the program. what would be my career path? i have not even thought of a plan b. i never anticipated needing a plan b and that disturbed me even more.
so i started thinking of a plan b, and i could not. i did not want a plan b this is THE plan it has to work
the point is this,
though out this program i have learned many things
the thing i have learned out of everything is, i am not smart. hard lesson learned

the man at my burrito store

So i go to this little burrito place downtown concord NH
in this burrito place is this man who's name i always forget
i met this man one day waiting in line to order a burrito, tofu and spinach with no rice, yogurt, and wheat tortilla
he was looking at me but not in the creepy way
in a curious way like a longing hoping that maybe i would notice him too
he looks old, round, with a humongous head with no visible neck.
he wears fairly new but similar clothing each time and a baseball cap.
he is always holding a plastic cup of water.
i spoke first, i said hello
he responded with a hello are you japanese?
i said no
he said what are you a korean?
i said no i am a chinese
he said he know china and that sometimes it was known as tokyo and sometimes as bangkok
at times he thinks it might be called virginia but who knows
he told me that there was a man that snuck up to him one day and chopped his right pointer finger off and he did not know why he did it.
he said this person was his adopted father and he has been a disappointment as far as guardians go
i told him i was sorry for his finger loss
he did not hear me and instead continued on
i used to have a paper route he said i was not very good at it
i was late sometimes and would get confused as to where the papers go at each house because the stoops were long or not there and sometimes there would be doors and he did not know what to do then
i said yes, at times doors can cause confusion but not condescendingly but truthfully i said this while staring at my arm with a bruise that was due to a door i had walked into. it was a pull door, no a push.
he continued with the fact that his father needed to give him his money from all his paper routes because he was his guardian and he did not do this and instead gave him a jar of coins but the coins confused him because there were too many and the bank does not take coins by themselves you have to order them special.
while he spoke he did not pause it was a whole sentence with no beginning or end
i did not want to stop him but my burrito was ready and i was really hungry
so i gave him a nod and said i apologize but i have to go because i have a burrito and i would like to eat it but you are more than welcome to sit with me while i eat said burrito
he did not stop telling his story so i sat and he continued speaking from across the room while i ate my burrito and the whole time he was looking directly at me
i nodded and smiled accordingly, finished my burrito, then went over, saw his water cup was empty, filled it for him and returned it to his hand. he did not flinch his hand remained in the same position as if the cup were still there. when i returned the cup full, he took a long drink, finished it's contents and said thank you. i said of course and that was the end of our conversation apparently

Uneven beginnings

I need to step lightly around my hormones hoping one wont take an arm or a leg or seomthing
my head is sort of crooked in that way. my brain weighs more on the left so im always cockign my head liek this. and i have an old chicken poc on my left side
i hope it's not permanent and my brain will even out
equilibrium equal distribution.
and sometimes my arm stretches too far foward and too out to the point were it's overextended so my arm looks weirds like it bows out too much hyperextension so it can snap at any moment. goodness i hope that is not the case
it would hinder me greatly if my arm snaps with a cast or amputation and all. flesh eatting virus i think that's on my knee but i cant be too sure it could be that my scab is black. who knows i feel the little virus creeping throughout my leg ingesting my skin i wish they would stop. i fell down the stairs. my reflexes were to tuck my legs and to collapse like those rock and rollers that slide across the stage on their knees making the squinchy face and lifting their guitars up while holdign a note. multi-tasking. i fell down the stars but like a rock and roller but not so cool more like fallign down the stairs.
so i have some problems with my body but it all stems to my brain. again the left side weighs more than the right so my left side drags even my shoes become more worn on the left side my pants are more torn up on the left side
my left side is sliding off my right
i need to salvage it. perhaps i need to think more on my left side exercise until it behaves like my right. ambidecturous. ambidexturus. hwo do you spell that word? i can write with both hands. ambidexturous. that's not right. well i want to be like that. maybe my left side is bigger because i am left brained, that's logical thinking i think maybe i think logically. maybe i dont wonder enough. maybe i shoudl have a conclusive thought.

the life of a single

at 26 i have realized my surroundings and that is marriage. people my age are getting married like the world is going to end and if you are not married already you are going to get married or you have someone that potentially wants to marry you. so here is the problem. WHERE DID ALL MY FRIENDS GO?!

i have faced the fact that being at this age it is no longer you and i it is we. we will meet you at 3. we need to go somewhere later so i cant stay long. i did not think the demise of my friends would come so soon. i thought it would happen when we were unrecognizable because of the 10 yards of excess skin folding off our bodies; when my tits were to my knees; when i ate dinner at 4. i was not prepared for now. BUT there is a loop hole. if you meet the people as a couple. then that's all you know them as like their names were always one big name ie adam and danielle.

so that leads to all the single people. and dont get me wrong i dont want to get married anytime soon or anything but at this age, being single, is a bit lonely. i have thought of paring up simply to have a friend that was always there. truthfully, i sort of like being single. the loneliness bit is tolerable. i dont have to think about anyone, except my dog. i can come and go as i please. i get to eat whatever i want. pizza? that cake? that gallon of ice cream? and im not saying that i do this but if i wanted to i could develop a bulimia problem and no one would question it BECAUSE no one is here. and i dont have to think about feeding someone else. well the down side is meals for one is a bit difficult to make and i never want to make food for myself so as a result i eat nothing. single life is a terrific diet.

yesterday i had almond butter and toast, oranges, pretzels, and a bar of chocolate for breakfast. lunch, a protein condensed milk oat sugar bar thing. dinner, a cookie.

so i am urging all you single people to embrace being single, eat whatever the fuck you want, fuck who you want, and fuck it. marry later. you have your whole life to ruin why not just wait a little bit?

this is new

so this is the first year of nursing school. i am in concord new hampshire against my will. i started this the way everything with meaning starts, broken hearts, a lot of tears, ice cream, and a whole lot of bone saws.

i was out of a relationship that was around 4, 5, or perhaps 6 years in the making. i could never keep track and i am horrible about caring. he was west, i was east in all sense of the words. we never seemed to make sense and i suppose i just forced our oblong-misshapen mess together. he was just lonely and wanted to make sense of his crazy.

mess and crazy never stood a chance. especially trying to pretend to be domesticated. He bought a lovely little ranch home 2 br 1 bath in the borough of plymouth nh and i obliged. i packed up my boston life and drove my fluttering heart bullshit up there. it did work for a milli-second and truthfully i had hopes that i was no longer going to move every single year and perhaps i had found a home. a real permanent home that i could put all my stuff in and hang pictures and buy things specifically for that home. not cheap temporary rickety crap that ends up on the sidewalk next move, but stuff. actual stuff. i bought a couch. a $600 couch. my first adult purchase. it did not have mysterious stains and it did not sag in the middle. it did not have holes rip tears. it was whole and new and came with tags and plastic wrapping and delivery people. i settled and gripped on for dear life and i hoped this was for keeps, for real. obviously not.

i wrapped up my stuff a year later in a uhaul truck and i actually left some stuff there as if i would maybe be back and i would have some of my stuff there.

the part that really fucks with me, i applied to 3 schools, 2 in nh, 1 in mass. i got into the mass school and one in nh. i chose the new hampshire school to be close to him. we broke up a month later.

SO i am here. in concord nh. against my will. apart from the few friends i have obtained i hate it. i absolutely hate it here. it is not quite city and it is certainly not country. it is a cluster fuck of criminals and sex offenders. so everytime i think of where i am i then think of my ex and then i hate him. no. i would murder him at that very moment and his only saving grace is he is not here. BUT to be fair it was my stupid choice to move here. to go to school here. to think i can be in a relationship. especially with him.

so i have wrote about this an infinite number of times. always angry.
still in concord.
still single.
only difference is i am ok now.