this is new

so this is the first year of nursing school. i am in concord new hampshire against my will. i started this the way everything with meaning starts, broken hearts, a lot of tears, ice cream, and a whole lot of bone saws.

i was out of a relationship that was around 4, 5, or perhaps 6 years in the making. i could never keep track and i am horrible about caring. he was west, i was east in all sense of the words. we never seemed to make sense and i suppose i just forced our oblong-misshapen mess together. he was just lonely and wanted to make sense of his crazy.

mess and crazy never stood a chance. especially trying to pretend to be domesticated. He bought a lovely little ranch home 2 br 1 bath in the borough of plymouth nh and i obliged. i packed up my boston life and drove my fluttering heart bullshit up there. it did work for a milli-second and truthfully i had hopes that i was no longer going to move every single year and perhaps i had found a home. a real permanent home that i could put all my stuff in and hang pictures and buy things specifically for that home. not cheap temporary rickety crap that ends up on the sidewalk next move, but stuff. actual stuff. i bought a couch. a $600 couch. my first adult purchase. it did not have mysterious stains and it did not sag in the middle. it did not have holes rip tears. it was whole and new and came with tags and plastic wrapping and delivery people. i settled and gripped on for dear life and i hoped this was for keeps, for real. obviously not.

i wrapped up my stuff a year later in a uhaul truck and i actually left some stuff there as if i would maybe be back and i would have some of my stuff there.

the part that really fucks with me, i applied to 3 schools, 2 in nh, 1 in mass. i got into the mass school and one in nh. i chose the new hampshire school to be close to him. we broke up a month later.

SO i am here. in concord nh. against my will. apart from the few friends i have obtained i hate it. i absolutely hate it here. it is not quite city and it is certainly not country. it is a cluster fuck of criminals and sex offenders. so everytime i think of where i am i then think of my ex and then i hate him. no. i would murder him at that very moment and his only saving grace is he is not here. BUT to be fair it was my stupid choice to move here. to go to school here. to think i can be in a relationship. especially with him.

so i have wrote about this an infinite number of times. always angry.
still in concord.
still single.
only difference is i am ok now.